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I’m David Michael Boje and
together with Grace Ann Rosile offer CONVERSATIONAL STORYTELLING
for Home and Work seminars, as a way to improve human relations
at work and home.
Use this Contact Form
to Inquiry about our Seminar Human Relations Seminar, or email
davidboje@gmail.com
David Boje and Grace Ann Rosile present BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS seminars focusing on improving interpersonal relationships. The seminars utilize seven principles, including assertiveness, invitational rhetoric, and the "Braided River" approach to collaborative storytelling. we emphasize active listening and shared narrative to resolve conflict and build stronger connections. Participants learn to tell personal stories effectively and engage in respectful dialogue. Various certification programs are offered both online (Zoom) and in person.
David Boje and Grace Ann Rosile teach the tangible benefits of effective Interpersonal Relationships seminars, and Corporate-BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS seminars.
This is an example of how dialogue can be used in a
conversational story.
“I have something crucial I need to discuss with you.””
“Yes, let’s talk.””
Many traditional rhetorical theories favor a patriarchal perspective by valuing the power to influence and control others. Our approach is invitational rhetoric, based on feminist values of equality, intrinsic worth, and self-governance.
“Concerning being invitational?”
Being accusatory in conversations is the
worst form of communication.
“How could any do that? You knew it
would hurt them.”
“You’re not taking this seriously, and I’ve noticed this
happened again yesterday.”
““Its purpose is to offer an invitation to understanding, and its communicative modes are offering perspectives and creating the external conditions of safety, value, and freedom”
“Why is my accusatory remarks responsible for this failure?”
There is an alternative to male
discourse, It’s called Triarchy’
’Triarchy?’
Yes, The triarchy in Dene, indigenous ways of knowing, is much more than choosing matriarchy or patriarchy. That’
“How does being invitational work?”
“We call it Braided River, braiding together different perspectives” “
“OK"
“It is about giving the ‘Gift of Story’ and inviting their ‘Gift of story’, in return.
Let us tell you about CONVERSATIONAL
STORYTELLING for Interpersonal Relations Seminar for home
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Here are some ways that BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS supports
better interpersonal communication, according to the sources
provided:
● BUSINESS
STORY CONVERSATIONS offer tools to navigating challenging
conversations. The sources outline seven principles designed
to promote clear, respectful, and productive dialogue.
● The foundation of
BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS lies in assertiveness, not
aggression or passivity. This means expressing your needs and
perspective while respecting the other person's boundaries.
● BUSINESS STORY
CONVERSATIONS emphasizes the importance of storytelling in
communication. It encourages participants to share personal
experiences as a starting point for understanding each other's
perspectives.
● The concept of
"ante-story" (A-story) is crucial in BUSINESS STORY
CONVERSATION SEMINARS. It involves sharing a positive memory
of the relationship before addressing challenging topics. This
approach aims to set a foundation of goodwill and remind both
parties of the value of the relationship.
● BUSINESS STORY
CONVERSATIONS recognizes the significance of active listening
and silence in conversations. Allowing space for reflection
and encouraging the other person to share their
"counter-story" without interruption are key principles.
● Invitational
rhetoric plays a vital role in BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS.
This communication style prioritizes equality, respect, and
understanding, aiming to create a safe space for open
dialogue.
● The ultimate goal
of BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS is to achieve "Braided River,"
a state of shared understanding where different perspectives
are interwoven. By embracing the principles of BUSINESS STORY
CONVERSATONS, individuals can cultivate more meaningful and
effective communication in their personal and professional
relationships.
Together, Boje and
Rosile developed the 7 BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATION
principles. Boje’s part is assertiveness, the first principle,
and it is an assertiveness that takes care and preparation.
Our Interpersonal Relations Seminar, conducted on Zoom, consists of 7 sessions, one for each of our 7 principles.
1. Assertiveness, not aggression or weakness.
2. Be clear why you want to tell this story.
3. Personal experience stories have primacy.
4. Silence to give space for self-reflective.
5. Give ‘gift of story’ and exchange counter-story.
6. Use invitational rhetoric openness to listening to
counter-stories.
7. Goal to get to co-inquiry of ‘Braided River’.
INTRODUCTION TO THE SEMINAR AND ITS PRACTICAL OUTCOMES FOR YOU
This Interpersonal Relations seminar lays out such two tools to approach assertiveness conversations.
About our Interpersonal Relations Seminar notes on something called STORY CONVERSATIONS. I's for both personal and professional life. It uses storytelling and inquiry as the main tools for building stronger relationships and tackling those really tough conflicts. It is a unique approach. It is very different from like the usual communication advice that you see out there, which is always focused on things like active listening or assertiveness training. Becasue it is more holistic, more well-rounded.
Let's put the 7 principles of BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS into action.
First one stands out to me was this idea of like assertiveness, not aggressive or acting weak.
This is combined with using personal experience stories as a gift in conversations.
The two principles are about really shifting that whole dynamic of communication. Where you're not necessarily trying to win an argument or like force your viewpoint on someone. Instead, you're offering up your own experience as a way to open up the conversation, to invite the other person to share their story. I see. It's about really building that understanding rather than, you know, trying to dominate the exchange.
That ties into another principle that was in the notes, which is the counter story.
It's not about contradicting someone just for the sake of it. A counter story is about recognizing that there are multiple perspectives in any situation. This is important becaues we all come from different backgrounds.
We all have different experiences, different beliefs, and all of those things shape how we see the world. Encouraging a counter story really means that you are open to hearing different viewpoints, even if they challenge your own. The point is it's less about winning and more about creating a richer conversation, like a braided river of perspectives.
What is practical side of BUSINESS STORYTELLING CONVERSATIONS?
There are some very specific tools, like ABCs and the DEFs. Can't you just be assertive with DEFs from the get go? That's a fair question.
The ABCs, which stand for ante story, behavior story, and consequence story provide a tool for addressing issues that prioritize the relationship. DEFs are for tougher conversations. It's about building up to the point rather than coming out swinging. Which honestly is something many of us struggle with: either we let things fester or we end up being too blunt. It’s a tool, a step-by-step approach to assertiveness.
For example, imagine this, you're dealing with a colleague who's constantly interrupting you in meetings.
Instead of immediately accusing them, you start by sharing a positive anecdote from the past.
Maybe a time where you appreciated their input and that's the anti-story.
Then you gently describe the current behavior that's bothering you.
The behavior story, you explain the consequences of that behavior.
For example, how it makes it difficult for others to share their ideas. And that is the consequence story.
ABCs is tool is a more thoughtful way to approach things.
And that brings us to the DEFs.
The desired story, effect story, and feeling story. These are reserved for situations where the ABC approach just hasn't worked or when boundaries are being crossed and you need to set firmer limits.
For example, is someone keeps interrupting you, even after you've tried the ABCs.
Then you bring out the DEFs.
The DEFs allow you to be more direct. You can clearly state your desired outcome wihh te desired
You explain how the other person's actions are impacting you, the effect story. And finally, you share how their behavior makes you feel, the feeling of the story. It’s a way of saying, this isn't working for me and here's why. The DEFs are for serious, final talk level of communication.
HORSE SENSE AT WORK & BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS
How does watching horses help with human communication?
One of the key things Grace Ann Rosile highlights is the importance of developing what she calls our physical knowledge. A deeper awareness of ourselves and our surroundings. And she really learned this through her experiences with horses, realizing that effective communication goes beyond words. Yeah, that resonates with me. We often focus on that intellectual understanding. But there's a whole other level of knowing that comes from paying attention to our senses, our intuition, and those nonverbal cues that we've been discussing. Exactly. She puts it beautifully when she says, horses are thinking, responding beings. They pick up on our energy, our emotions, and our intentions, even when we're not consciously aware of them.
Horse Sense At Work, by Rosile, is the bigger picture.
think about how much of communication is actually nonverbal, our body language, our tone of voice, even just the way we hold ourselves.
All those things, they send really powerful signals.
And it turns out horses, as herd animals, are masters of reading those really subtle cues.
How do we actually apply Horse Sense in our everyday interactions?
It's not like you can bring a horse to my next team meeting.
Think about a time that you were in like a really tense conversation.
And maybe you crossed your arms or you leaned back or you avoided eye contact. Horses would pick up on those cues instantly. And they would react accordingly. By observing horses, we can become more attuned to our own nonverbal signals. And how they might be affecting others. And it's not just about like awareness? It's also about consciously choosing how we present ourselves. Like are we approachable? Are we sending signals of dominance or defensiveness? Horses constantly adjust their posture and energy based on the situation. We can learn a lot from observing those little subtle shifts.
For example, a meeting that I was just in recently.
Where I was trying to pitch this new idea and I just couldn't seem to get my point across.
I'd say. And everyone just seems so closed off.
Now I'm wondering if my own body language was contributing to that.
it's totally possible.
Horse Sense reminds us that communication is a two way street. We need to be really mindful of both the signals that we're sending and the signals that we're receiving. Sometimes the most effective way to shift the dynamic of a conversation is to start with ourselves. Horse Sense is like another layer of awareness on top of this whole BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS framework.
We've got the principles, we've got the techniques, and now we have this nonverbal element that's tying it all together.
Let's circle back to that braided river metaphor.
We talked about it a little bit earlier, but I think it deserves a deeper dive.
Braided river represents the idea that multiple perspectives are flowing together to create a richer understanding.
How do we manage all those different viewpoints without getting overwhelmed?
That is where the conversational storytelling and inquiry aspect of BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS comes in.
It's about creating a space where people feel safe to share their stories, their perspectives, their truths.
And it's about listening deeply.
Not just to the words being spoken, but to the emotions and experiences behind them.
But what if those stories conflict with each other?
What if someone's truth just directly contradicts my own?
How do we reconcile those differences?
That's where the gift of story idea becomes so powerful.
It's about shifting our mindset from one of debate or argumentation to one of curiosity and understanding.
Instead of trying to prove that our own perspective is right, we can approach the conversation with a genuine desire to learn and grow from the other person's experience.
There are times when we just fundamentally disagree with someone. Right.
How do we stay open and curious in those situations? I
t definitely takes practice and it's not always easy.
Remember the practices of invitational rhetoric we mentioned above.
Things like respect, equality, and a willingness to see the value in every perspective, even if we don't agree with it.
That's the foundation for creating a braided river of understanding.
So let's say I'm in a conversation with someone who has like a completely different viewpoint than mine.
Maybe it's a political debate or disagreement about how to handle a project at work.
What are some concrete steps that I can take to apply this braided river concept?
Instead of immediately jumping in to defend your own position, try asking some open-ended questions to encourage the other person to share their story.
"Help me understand where you're coming from," or
"What experiences have led you to this perspective."
These invitational questions shift the whole dynamic from confrontation to one of curiosity and exploration.
It's more about creating a space for dialogue, for genuine exchange, than trying to win the argument.
And as I'm listening to their story, I actively try to identify common ground.
What values or goals do we share? Exactly. Where do our experiences overlap?
Even in the midst of disagreement, it sounds like there are often points of connection that can help bridge the divide. I couldn't have said it better myself.
It's not about erasing our differences or pretending like we agree on everything.
It's more about finding those little threads of connection that can help us build some understanding even amidst the complexity.
But before we get swept away by the braided river, I want to circle back to the more practical techniques of BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS.
We talked about the ABCs and the DEFs.
Here are some real life examples of how those might play out.
What are some specific phrases or approaches that our listener can use?
CSi iis having this whole toolbox for better communication.
Like we've got the Horse Sense for that nonverbal awareness, the Braided River for navigating those multiple perspectives. And we have the ABCs and the DEFs as like these specific techniques for assertive communication. And just like any tool. It takes practice to use them effectively. This is where the CSI training and practice seminars are important.
For example, say you're dealing with a situation at work where a teammate consistently misses deadlines.
Which ends up impacting your workload. Using the ABC approach, you might start with an Anse story. Hey, remember that project we did last year where we were both pulling all-nighters to meet the deadline?
We really came together as a team and it felt great to celebrate that success.
And then you gently transition to the behavior story. I've noticed that on the current project, some deadlines have been slipping, and it's starting to put extra pressure on the rest of us. And finally, if they don't budge, you wrap it up with the consequence story.
For example, If we don't get back on track, we risk delaying the launch, which could affect the whole team's performance reviews. That's so much better than just saying, hey, you're always late.
It iis more collaborative and not accusatory.
It's really about addressing the issue while preserving that relationship.
Remember, the ABC approach isn't just for those conflict situations.
You can use it to give positive feedback too.
Here's an example of how you might use the ABCs for positive feedback.
Imagine you're a manager and you have an employee who consistently goes above and beyond.
You might start with an Ante story about a time when you were really impressed by their initiative.
Then you'd move into that behavior story, highlighting some very specific examples of their recent performance. And finally, finish with the consequence story, explaining how their efforts have really positively impacted the team. Or the company.
In sum, it’s a way of showing appreciation. While also encouraging continued growth. It's a lot more genuine and specific than just saying, good job.
So what about the DEFs? When would I use those? The DEFs are for those situations where boundaries are being crossed and you need to be more assertive in setting limits.
For example, let's say you have a friend who constantly cancels plans at the last minute.
You've tried talking to them about it casually, but the behavior just hasn't changed.
This is where the DEFs can be really handy. Here is how you could I approach that conversation using the DEFs.
You might start by clearly stating your desired story. Like saying, I really value our friendship and I want to spend time with you, but I need you to be more reliable when we make plans. Then you move into the effects story. Great. When you cancel at the last minute, it makes me feel like my time isn't important to you. And the effect is in the future I shoose someone else for the job.
And finally, you share your feeling story, it's honestly starting to hurt our friendship. And, if needed, add,. I'm feeling frustrated and disappointed and I'm starting to wonder if you're invested in this friendship?
That's direct, and definitely sends a much stronger message than just saying, "Hey, can you please stop canceling on me?" And that's the whole point of the DEFs.
They're really about setting those clear expectations and communicating your needs in a way that can't be ignored.
But this level of directness should be reserved for those situations where other approaches haven't worked.
It's not about attacking the other person.
It's about protecting yourself and your emotional well-being. I hope you are getting a new set of tools and perspectives for communicating more effectively. Remember, this is just a starting point.
The real magic really happens when you start experimenting with all seven principles applied in your own life.
It's about taking what we've learned and actually applying it to our unique situations.
Whether it's at work, in our personal relationships, or even in those random interactions we have throughout the day. So, we encourage you to go out there and start practicing CSI in your own life.
Pay attention to those non-vocal cues.
Embrace the Braided River of perspectives and use those ABCs and DES to communicate more assertively. And remember, communication is a journey, not a destination. Right. So be patient with yourself, keep learning, and most importantly, keep practiciing. conversation going. Beautifully said. Thanks for joining us on this deep dive into the fascinating world of conversational storytelling inquiry. Yes. Until next time, keep exploring, keep connecting, and keep communicating.
HERE IS THE AGENDA
FOR 7 SESSIONS OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS SEMINAR:
**Session 1: Introduction to Principle 1
For 40 years, David Boje Ph.D. has been training people to be assertive instead of aggressive or weak in conversational storytelling. And for longer than that Grace Ann Rosile Ph.D. has been training people in ‘Horse Sense At Work’ to learn by observing horses, and to do inter-species communication with all kinds of animals. Change is being continually generated through conversational storytelling at home and work.
Preparing the other person for a somewhat challenging conversation means understanding you will only be using just enough assertiveness to develop the relationship.
To begin, ask permission of the other person, before you launch into an assertive conversation. Be invitational.
“Can we talk about something important to me?”
Get a reply: “Yes, we can talk. What’s up?”
If their answer is ‘No’ then wait for another time and place.
We do ABCs and only use DEFs if there is no option.
A is for ante-story, the antecedent situation when the relationship was amazing. Stop here, if they get the point, take responsibility without you even asking them to. If they don’t get it, move to B.
B is for behavior story, telling a story describing the other person’s behavior in a recent event, without judgment, blame, or anger. Telling this story usually gets results, and the person owns their part of it. But if not, move your assertiveness level to C.
C is for consequence-story, telling a story of consequences of the other’s behavior on your life, and assuming perhaps they didn’t know. Most people are about other people and want to do the right thing to sustain good relationships. You are giving the other person an opening to see why this is so important to you.
Hope you never have to use DEFs, and it's only in case you are dealing with someone not respecting your boundaries, being a bully, or just completely selfish. These are situations where you’ve tried ABC then is a time and place for DEFs
D is for Desired-story. This is telling the other person a story about how you desire the relationship to be in the future. It describes the ground rules for maintaining boundaries.
“When we interact, I expect you to keep cool, not swear at me, etc.”
E is for Effects-story. This tells the other person a story of what you intend to do if they do not comply with your boundaries.
“The effect of you stepping all over me will be, that I will exclude you from events, or terminate the relationship, etc.”
F is for Feelings-story. This is all about
telling the feeling you had when the person acted to invade
your boundaries. It is telling the feeling not acting out the
feeling. Usually expressing your feelings is a deal breaker
if the other person does not show empathy, compassion,
remorse, or ask for forgiveness.
Grace
AnnRosile illustrates this point beautifully with an anecdote
about a horse trailer incident. Oh, I love a good story. Tell
me more about this horse trailer incident.
So Grace Ann describes witnessing a group of people trying to
force a horse onto a trailer using fear and intimidation. The
horse was visibly terrified. But they insisted on using these
harsh methods. Rosile actually offered her own larger, more
inviting trailer. But they refused, determined to force the
horse onto this original trailer. Oh, that's awful. What
happened? Well, what's even more compelling is that one of
Rosile's employees was so disturbed by the situation that she
burst into tears and later quit. At the time, Rosile didn't
really understand her employees' reaction. But years later,
she realized that she had missed the point entirely. Wow. That
must have been a really powerful realization. What did she
learn from that experience? She realized that she actually had
the power to stop the situation. She owned the property and
could have spoken up.
But she got caught up in justifying her inaction. And this
incident made her realize how often we fail to act on our
ethical impulses, even when we know something is wrong. It's a
sobering reminder that we always have a choice. And sometimes
speaking up, even when it's uncomfortable, is the most ethical
and courageous thing we can do.
**Session 2: Introduction to Principle 2
Once you have received permission, then take responsibility for your issue. This begins the assertiveness process.
“I have a problem,
and it would help me if have a conversation.
” Express clear intent of why you want to tell this story.
“I intend to have a
great relationship with you.”
Prepare the A-level assertiveness story you will tell first about a time when the relationship flourished. Understand why you are telling it as the first story, and plan the B-level and C-level story. In assertive conversational storytelling, bestto begin with the A-story (ante-story) of when your relationship was amazing, or at least working well.
So Grace Ann Rosile describes a Horse Sense At Work situation where she was working with a new trainer. And her horse started exhibiting what appeared to be bad behaviors, bucking and becoming increasingly difficult to handle. And the trainer labeled the horse dangerous and suggested that Rosile get rid of him.Well, that's awful. What happened?
Well, Rosile was devastated, but then her regular trainer returned and observed the situation. And her regular trainer had a completely different perspective. She recognized that the horse wasn't inherently bad, but reacting to Rosile's fear and anger. Wow. It's incredible how our own emotional states can impact those around us, both people and animals. It is a powerful reminder. This story also underscores the importance of considering alternative explanations for behavior, rather than jumping to conclusions.
**Session 3: Introduction to Principle 3
When engaging in assertive conversations, begin with your own personal experience—the A-story (ante-story). It is essential to take ownership of your narrative; never start with someone else’s story. This sets a firm foundation for your message. Avoid beginning at the B- or C-level of assertiveness. Instead, share a specific personal experience that highlights a time when your relationship with the other person was thriving. Remember, the purpose of assertiveness is to encourage the other person to take responsibility without overwhelming them. Do not allow yourself to dwell on potential DEF stories or rehearse them in your mind. For instance, say, “Do you remember that time we walked together and discussed our life aspirations?” If they respond positively, follow up with, “I appreciated your attentiveness during that conversation and want to thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts.” Stay focused on your A-level story and be ready to actively listen to their response without interrupting. ---
**Session 4: Introduction to Principle 4
Embrace silence as a powerful tool for effective communication. Allowing for brief pauses fosters self-reflection and clarity. A few seconds of silence can create impactful moments, but be mindful that excessive silence may cause discomfort or be perceived as aggression. Utilize silence strategically to give the other party space to reflect on your story. When they begin to express their counter-story or their perspective, maintain your silence. This approach encourages them to articulate their views. However, be prepared—if the other person lacks Conflict Sensitive Interaction (BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS) training, they may react defensively. Respond with phrases like: - “Please elaborate.” - “I genuinely want to understand your perspective.” - “I’m committed to actively listening and will not interrupt.” ---
**Session 5: Introduction to Principle 5**
By providing your story and attentively listening to their counter-story, you are laying the groundwork for stronger relationships. The inquiry process in BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS is not about interrogation; it is about facilitating an authentic, open, and caring conversation rooted in the first four principles. You have the opportunity to present the ABCs of a counter-story that challenges any misconceptions the other person may have about the relationship. Listen actively and without interruption while asserting your own counter-story. Your goal is to move from A to B to C assertively, aiming to avoid descending into D to E to F. At every assertiveness level, prioritize expressing your counter-story while actively listening to theirs. ---
Grace Ann tells a great story about a barn hand who kept breaking pitchforks. Initially, she assumed he was just careless. But instead of reprimanding him, she had a conversation with him. Expressing concern and inviting his perspective. It turned out he'd been buying his own replacements, which weren't as durable as the ones she provided.
It's amazing how a simple conversation led to a new understanding and a solution. It shows the power of experimentation and how it can help us challenge our assumptions and find creative solutions.
**Session 6: Introduction to Principle 6**
Let’s discuss invitational rhetoric, a concept developed by Sonja K. Foss and Cindy L. Griffin in 1995. It’s grounded in feminist principles, such as equality, intrinsic value, and self-determination. Those who identify with feminist materialism—like David Boje—assert that anyone can uphold feminist values, regardless of gender. Invitational rhetoric is a communication style that fosters understanding and partnership based on these feminist values. It serves as a powerful alternative to accusatory rhetoric, which tends to focus on blame and condemnation, famously shaped by Aristotle's principles of rhetoric.
Four Key Points of Invitational Rhetoric:
1. **Assertiveness:** This type of rhetoric offers different perspectives without trying to convince others they are wrong. It creates a platform for co-sharing stories through thoughtful questions and active engagement.**Session 7: Introduction to Principle 7
2. **Equality:** It actively rejects hierarchical thinking by acknowledging the inherent value of all living beings, thus promoting a more equitable dialogue.
3. **Autonomy:** It respects individuals' rights to choose which counter-stories they want to share and how they wish to narrate their own lives.
4. **Active Listening:** It emphasizes the importance of truly hearing another’s counter-story and engaging with it meaningfully. Invitational rhetoric empowers individuals to take control of challenging conversations, steering them toward more productive and positive outcomes.
What is the purpose of BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS? The goal is to get to the co-inquiry of Braided River. We are inspired by the Maori concept of “Braided River,” and can be used to achieve a deeper understanding of complex issues and create a more collaborative environment within relationships and within an organization. we are emphasizing the interweaving of diverse stories and perspectives to create a richer, more nuanced understanding. Give reciprocal “gift of story” as an inquirer. This avoids the potential for interrogation in traditional structured interviews.
Together, Boje and Rosile developed the 7 BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS principles. Boje’s part is Assertiveness, the first principle, and it is an assertiveness that takes care and preparation.
In Conversational
Storytelling Braided River highlights the importance of
authentic sharing by gifting and the inclusion of
counter-stories to foster genuine dialogue so you find
common ground for disagreements.
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We also offer Certificate Programs?
Enroll in the 'Basic Certification Module' to learn skills and tools for better interpersonal relationships at home and at work. This Basic Certificate includes four online course sessions, covering 1. Assertiveness, 2. Horsesense Storytelling, 3. Invitational Rhetoric, and 4. Blended Rivers. Complete the Basic level, and you are eligible to enroll in our more advanced certification courses include training in work conversations, and Organizational Development and Change (ODC) conversations. Please click here to review advanced options. or Read more about BUSINESS STORY CONVERSATIONS.
You can use this certificate for having better
relationships at home and at work. Begin your online
course at https://truestorytelling.org.
